Promises Made and Kept – To Others.

I am writing this because I promised Marielle I would. I am writing this because I promised Deb I would.

I’m writing this because I promised myself I would, and then I didn’t. Repeatedly. For months. And I still wouldn’t be, but Marielle and Deb aren’t me. Committing to them is, somehow, more imperative than committing to myself.

This, honestly, is how I’ve functioned for 90% of my life. Maybe more. Maybe a lot more. Commitments to others matter(ed) more, far more, than commitments to myself.

I have been trying to get motivated to update this here MetaCookbook for months. Even before I managed to publish Shafiqah’s wonderful beer origin story, and especially after. I had so many ideas after. I wanted to ask Liz and Russ and so many others.

I wanted to dig into things I thought were cool and things I thought were bullshit. I wanted to think via my keyboard. I wanted to speak as to the “why” of things.

I wanted to address sexism and to post about food. I wanted to address terrible things and awesome things. And I wanted to have the emotional and mental capacity to do so.

But I didn’t. And I don’t. Not while so much of my life has been so challenging since I moved to Portland, Or.

But I’ve discovered another thing. Not a recent discovery, but thanks to Deb and Marielle, I have recently had to face it. And that’s the simple, but not easy, truth that I do not increase my emotional and mental capacity by not writing. By not cooking. By not trying to figure out the best way to explain glassware or IBUs to you all. Or whatever. Good or bad. Hard or easy.

So, usually I read blogging advice that says, roughly, “don’t address it when you’ve been gone!” The advice keeps being that folks won’t even notice or care…

But that’s an untrue approach to a blog where I have discussed myself or caused friends to ask me to talk to my therapist about what I’ve said. So, I will acknowledge:

I’m tired of not writing. And I’m terrified to start writing. But, I made an agreement with Marielle. We’re going to make each other write. And tonight starts it. Thus, tonight, I ramble at you. I admit who I am (again) and how I fear and how I want to be.

And maybe, just maybe, by committing to Marielle and Deb? I’ll write again. And more easily. But tonight? Tonight I will simply post this. This thing I am afraid of sharing, but I must share because I promised another I would.

Someday, I hope my promises to myself mean as much to me as my promises to others.

8 thoughts on “Promises Made and Kept – To Others.

  1. I have the same problems. I kept saying I’d do more posting on the blog, more whatever, and I haven’t. I need you the same way you need me, to help keep each other on track. I’m glad to see a post here. Soon we’ll be in regular posting swing. 🙂 You go, girl.

  2. Your blog is on my RSS feed because you’ve got great and interesting things to say…I’ll always read, no matter when or how often you post. 🙂 Good luck on your renewed efforts–you’ve got this!

  3. I hear ya’ on the terror of starting to write and the frustration of not writing–best of luck working through it–I’m always delighted to see your posts in my feed!

  4. So, I want you to write a post for me. Here’s the topic: advice to newbie who just worked her first day in a taproom. (I still haven’t actually poured a beer, but all modesty aside, I kept the women’s bathroom looking pretty darn spiffy throughout an insanely busy Sunday.)

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